To say I love you

I'm struggling a lot with beliefs right now. I have a whole 2 pages of beliefs that get me all messed up already and still shifting through some of it.

I believe that if people don't try and contact me, don't ever say they are thinking about me, don't say they love me, then they don't. I know that's not true, but that's how it feels all the time. That I'm being cast aside.

I'm feeling very, very cast aside right now and melancholy about the reasons why. Maybe this is how the world has to proceed for the future to end up before me. I don't really know.

All I know is that it leaves a very cold, numb feeling in my body.

What will it take to make me feel again?

Shadows Have Claws (Trigger Warning: Cutting)

It's easy to fall back into old habits. My right upper leg is a testimony to that. It has been for years. My plan has been to get a tattoo there so it wouldn't be so easy for me to just grab the scissors and slice. But I haven't been able to do that yet, and so the new marks form.

Last I checked this morning they were still seeping blood. Not a lot, but enough to need bandages still. I had it all wrapped up last night, then decided I wanted to try something different because those cloth bandages suck and got these huge bandaids. I'll clean them out again tonight and see what needs to be done.

This is a hard shadow to face, because shadows with claws fight back. They lure you into their trap, make you believe they want to help, and then they strike.

It almost hit the jugular last night, but my husband stepped in before it could get there. I could easily have been found today in one of the parks in a blanket, dead.

So cheers to Asher.

That's strong evidence.

I ask my husband to give me evidence against my belief that I am a burden to everyone.

Ash: "You do stuff."

Gratitude #2

I am grateful to have food to eat.

Gratitude #1

So I think it will help me to say something I'm thankful for every single day. So I'm going to start that today.

Today I am thankful for my gaming friends. :)

After The Attempt (A story of a suicide attempt)

Don't Order the Headstone Yet

I'm sure most people didn't really notice, but a few did: I was offline from Friday evening to Tuesday afternoon. It wasn't because I wanted time away from the internet or because I went on a nice vacation.

Friday night I took 50 Tylenol PM in a suicide attempt.

I am extremely lucky to be alive. We got the ambulance there not long after I did it, and they gave me charcoal to drink. I was in the ICU for about 3 days with IVs and a catheter in. Then I was moved over to the psych ward on Monday and was there until Wednesday (so ~3 days in the ICU, and 3 in the Psych ward.)

I am going to be making a video to answer any questions people may have. I thought that would be better than just typing it up.

So, please put your questions here, or on Facebook or Google+ and I will be making that soon.

I am thankful to still be alive.